These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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