I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
