Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
