i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Shame is for Republicans.
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