She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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