I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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