So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
