Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
