Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
