Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
