dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
