Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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