I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
