so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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