PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
They have beer where we have blood.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
