he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
