Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
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They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
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What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.