you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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