she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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