I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
