My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
