Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
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i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
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I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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