She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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