I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
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That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
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Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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