Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
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I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
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Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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