just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
tell me about the eggs
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
