what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
