Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
