Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
