I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
