i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Randomize
