so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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