i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
