what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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