i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
