get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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