How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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