I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
