My underwear smells like fireworks.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
