hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
