dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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