Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
