anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
