i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
