We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
