Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I lost the right to judge tonight
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
