i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
