i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I just found a bag of teeth...
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
