I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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