I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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