i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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