Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
