I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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