dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
