Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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