omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
