the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
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