Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
