Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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